Mrrm. Posted this on my other site, but I'm just really not as enthusiastic as birthdays as I was when I was 10. blehh.
Mrrm. Posted this on my other site, but I'm just really not as enthusiastic as birthdays as I was when I was 10. blehh.
As I said here, I'm having All Sorts Of Problems right now. I thought I'd also mention that I'm taking a break from being the headwiz (or indeed any other kind of staff) at NaughtyMuffin MUSH, which has also been having its own problems.
Man, that me, I mean what is up with that guy and what is his sexual orientation?
Well ... I've been saying I'm bisexual, since I'm open to, well, sex with anyone of any ... sex, but I kind of feel like I've never had any real "romantic attraction" to anyone. I have a libido, but it's pretty much exclusively directed at hentai, very rare live-action porn, and cybering in the role of characters who aren't meant to directly represent "me" in any way shape or form ...
I dunno, does this kind of thing fall under "asexual," or does "asexual" chiefly refer to "no sex at all" and this is something different?
... Man I've been browsing through my old LJ posts. Once, I referred to waking-up-at-noon as a novel and unusual experience. (Nowadays, I still wake up earlier than noon, but it's because I didn't get enough sleep.) And I still agree with my internet-crossdressing guide, though I suppose it could use some work ...
wow I haven't posted on LJ in over a year.
I guess I ... didn't have anything I particularly wanted to say?
IDK. May have more soon.
Haven't really remembered my dreams lately, but I figured this one might go here.
I dreamed that my mom was taking me and my sister (who in the real world is 22) to "the weather channel." My sister was acting bratty and moaning as if she was eight or something; she was apparently rather eager to get at something which was in these sort of bathrooms off in a side room once we arrived. I went inside a different one from the one she went into, and discovered a dispenser for a sort of milkshake-like drink; Morpheus told me that it made people into sex slaves, and I promptly consumed some of it. I vaguely got the idea that my sister was there to aquire a slave, not to become one. I don't remember anything else about the dream. (Possibly it changed your sex/made you TG in the long term? Whee ...)
First: I am stupidly-amused by the fact that it says "POST AS: kittyboymuffin (Switch)"; I know the "switch" means "switch to a different user," but I still instinctively want to change it to "sub."
Second, I'm thinking of getting a new avatar, but I have no idea where to look for reasonably-good pictures of catboys with brown/black hair, so to quote King Arthur in Monty Python, "Anything you can do to help would be very ... um ... helpful."
Thirdly ... Blah. I've been thinking of BDSM, and RL-encounters, and how much I really want the latter.
Part of the problem is that "BDSM" has always been in the same brainspace as "sex" for me ... well, I tell a lie, I've thought of "tie-up stuff" as far back as when I was five or something (i.e. imagining the mermaids from Disney's Peter Pan getting tied up, of all things). But I really "found out about BDSM" through my fumbling searches for porn on the internet when I was underage, and thus the association has generally been with "sex," and it's definitely been part of my sexual fantasies, although unlike most of my other sexual fantasies, it is something which could theoretically Actually Happen. But the result is the same: BDSM is thoroughly lodged in the "sex" part of my brain, and even though I consciously understand that it doesn't have to be, you can't just tell your subconscious to change.
Add that to the fact that my sexual encounters have never gone beyond the realm of "I'll show you mine if you show me yours," and we get a situation where this is going to cause hangups, in a "wires crossed" sort of way, when dealing with people for whom it is not remotely a sexual thing.
At the same time, I'm not quiiiiite sure about "just looking for sex on the internet." I'm sure most of you will agree that "Nice profile-pic, wanna fuck?" is not an appropriate way to lose one's virginity. I can be careful, and wait to try to be sure I'm not dealing with a creep or whatever, and get comfortable with the idea of meeting the other person. But even so ...
I also have an excuse to post a link to that article on introverts I keep throwing everywhere. Short version: real-world social interaction is ultimately tiresome, because my brain works differently from other peoples' (this is one of the many results of having Asperger's syndrome); I think I have a slightly lower social-interaction-to-recharge-time ratio than the author of that article, or at least I become tired of social interaction more quickly.
Even worse, I always get a sort of "panic"/"discomfort" reaction when someone expresses the resolute intentions of meeting with me. I can actually meet with people if we're not going to do anything except talk, and I'm perfectly fine once we're actually in the room together (and, in point of fact, I think I get roughly the same reaction when, say, scheduling a job interview), but it still happens.
Really, though, I think one of the biggest problems is that I am still, resolutely, Not Sure What I Want. I mean, I can easily come up with a list of options and fetishes for internet-based "encounters," where there's two computers and an entire internet between me and the other person, and we're roleplaying as characters who aren't even represent me-the-real-person, and also it's entirely text-based (thus allowing me, if I want, to be a catgirl pet-succubus who is sustained by sex and submission, being petted and fondled in her master's lap, whilst I personally am literally safe at home in my own room); I am comfortable with this, and I do it all the time. But whenever I'm asked "What do you want?" with respect to real-world encounters, I'm never immediately sure how to answer it.
I think the answer to "What do you want?" is, subconsciously, "a real-world counterpart to the various types of sexual/bondage escapedes I've had in my online roleplay." I am consciously aware that this is not necessarily a good thing, but I don't have anything really solid to replace it.
Broadly speaking, I think I'm trying to do two different things here: there's the "sex" part and the "BDSM" part. I think I'd want to learn to walk before I can run, which is to say it's a bad idea to try to do both at once until I'm comfortable with at least one of them. I think that if I seriously want to experience bondage in the real world, the sensible thing to do is to start with several sessions with no sexual content whatsoever, and take it from there.
But do I want real-world encounters? I've mentioned my introversion, and the "panic-reaction," and the fact that I'm perfectly comfortable with online roleplay. Alternatively, there are compromises like "webcam-domination," but I have even less knowledge about that. I'm going to need to make some Solid Decisions about this, and I am absolutely terrible at doing so.
Last night, I had a dream that I was having sex with a cute Asian girl. (I have a thing for cute Asian women.) I was also attempting to record a video this on my cell phone's camera, and even Morpheus knew that this was a difficult task.
Regardless, we were in a house that only vaguely resembled anywhere I've ever actually lived. But then my dad caught her in the hallway, wearing only her panties. So then I had my usual mental "augh, DESTROY THE WORLD, BLOW HER AND EVERYTHING UP"-with-embarassment reaction, and my dad promptly started yelling at me for deciding to go with the violent solution to the stated problem.
And then, of course, I woke up wishing I actually had a cute Asian girl to have sex with, although it probably wouldn't be the best idea today since I've been a bit sick, and I've mostly gotten over this desire anyway. Ah well.
So, I was going to make some snide remarks about a guy who has been passive-aggressively avoiding me and ignoring my messages ever since I told him I didn't want to be spanked, but then I saw a dom's profile which made my skin crawl.
The profile was basically one big long rant which opened "Looking for a slave, I set the limits not you," mentioned that his "slave" would "give up all rights, family and friends," and that basically the "slave" was going to do all the work to reach him. He also implied ("Why is it slaves on here want to tell masters what to do if they dont get their way?") that he didn't even like the idea of safewords. And then he blamed past "fake" "slaves" he'd encountered for not living up to his requirements, and made fun of them for the fact that they didn't like being called "fake." (Nowhere on his profile did he say what he wanted to do, just that he wanted "a slave." Not a "submissive," a "slave.")
Excuse me, Your Highness, but that's not a D/s relationship you're looking for, that is an abusive relationship. For one thing, there is technically no such thing as a "real" slave in the United States, ever since Abraham Lincoln declared slavery illegal in the 1860s. For another thing, relationships are a two-way street. If you're not going to show the slightest bit of respect, you're not going to get respect. That's just how these things work. A D/s relationship IS just another relationship, except that one of you lets the other one dominate them: you NEED mutual trust, mutual respect, and mutual open communication.
Worse, this lack-of-respect is mostly being directed, not at any specific person who has consented to that kind of thing from him personally, but to anyone who might or might not fall under this guy's gaze. All I can say is, I'm glad he lives on the other side of the continent from me.
But otherwise I'm doing pretty good ...
I've pretty much always been "not sure what I want out of BDSM." This, I am aware, is a bit of a problem if I'm going to be on BDSM personals sites, and it is the main reason I've been on a number of BDSM sites (mostly Alt.com, FetLife, and CollarMe) for several years, and I still haven't, well, gotten any.
(It also doesn't help that I'm an introvert, which makes it next to impossible for me to search proactively for any kind of relationship.)
The "why" is somewhat easier, though; I think I can safely say that it's that I'm a great big masculine person, and there's a part of me that wants to be a little cute helpless pet-like thing. As I've said before, my kinks seem to be broadly traceable to 1. cuteness of a certain variety (i.e. cute like an adult rabbit or a deer, or like that kinda shy plain-looking girl with glasses in that one class you took), and 2. control.
The reason I'm trying personals sites is that it's something I'm interested in and want to try, and I want to figure out if I want this to be a major part of my RL world (I'm already fairly certain I don't want any kind of 24/7 Slavery thing, since first of all I have too many communication-ties with my parents, and second of all I have too many ambitions and desires outside of BDSM), or if I should just stick to purely online roleplay in less-controlled environments (read: cybering) to get my BDSM-kick. Or, y'know, anywhere else between the two extremes.
So ... tis the season to stop lounging around naked, first of all, because the thermostat doesn't keep the temperature above a certain level, it just blows for a few minutes, switches off long enough for the temperature to drop, and then blows for a few more minutes, etc.
But this dream I had was about a hentai manga which Morpheus told me (which is to say, "I just knew in the dream") was a ghost story. These girls were driving somewhere and needed a place to stop for the night, so they end up going to this abandoned house (at the recommendation of a GPS one of them had, or something equally nonsensical), where a bunch of Faceless Guys who were supposedly ghosts then proceeded to rape them all. AND WHEN THE SUN CAME UP THEY WERE NEVER HEARD FROM AGAINNNNN.
Yeah, I dunno either. I didn't find it particularly arousing, but it did give me an urge to seek out an actual H-manga about that kind of thing.